So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize