Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
