checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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