just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just forgot I was standing up.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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