Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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