On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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