Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
