you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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