he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
