Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
