I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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