So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
