i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
