She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
