3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
