meet me or not, i'm out of control
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
