totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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