I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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