She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
