She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
