wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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