Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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