I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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