I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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