yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Who did Billy Mays play for?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
