i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
