Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
