Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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