I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
