So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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