make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
