your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
