Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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