Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
