My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
