Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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