I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm experimenting with sincerity
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
