Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
