i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You're like the curious george of whores
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
