The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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