barbara walters just said penis...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
