im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
so much tequila, so little girl.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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