i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
