She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
