I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
