Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
