Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize