wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
