I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
