someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
