i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
