does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
