there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
