the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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