the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
