Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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