Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
