I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
