his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Be still, my beating vagina.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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